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- Lost In The Darkness
Lost In The Darkness
I just finished the second draft of my next book. 200+ Pages, 50,000+ words, and 5+ years of my life. The following is an excerpt. I hope you enjoy it.
The call came in the afternoon just as I was wrapping up for the day. Her voice trembled as she spoke, a mix of panic and desperation seeping through the phone. “My son is depressed,” she said, her words hurried and choked with emotion. “I need to schedule an appointment right away.”
As she explained further, it became clear that her 19-year-old son, Brian, was recently broken up with. The breakup had left him in a deep emotional slump, and he had been talking about suicide. Understanding the urgency, I cleared my schedule to fit Brian in as soon as possible. What I didn’t know then was that this would mark the beginning of a long and significant journey for Brian.
When Brian walked into my office for the first time, it was evident that he was struggling. His posture was slumped, and he seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. Clinically, he was experiencing Major Depressive Disorder, but beyond the diagnosis, it was evident that Brian felt utterly lost.
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“How will we know when therapy is done?” This is one of my favorite questions to ask a patient. My second favorite question is, “What’s up?” This is typically how I start the first session. What’s up is an informal question that often catches the patient off guard. This allows them to relax and immediately begin the rapport-building process—an important first step.
Modern psychotherapy began with Sigmund Freud in the late 19th century. Freud introduced psychoanalysis, focusing on the unconscious mind and the influence of childhood experiences on behavior. His work laid the groundwork for exploring mental health through talk therapy.
In the mid-20th century, new approaches emerged, including Carl Rogers’ humanistic therapy, which emphasized empathy and the therapist-client relationship, and Aaron Beck’s cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which focused on changing negative thought patterns.
Today, psychotherapy encompasses a wide range of techniques, integrating insights from neuroscience, behavioral science, and cultural studies, aiming to treat a variety of mental health issues through personalized, evidence-based approaches.
My approach to psychotherapy is rooted in existentialism, a philosophy that emphasizes the human condition, personal responsibility, and the search for meaning. In my practice, I prioritize the therapeutic relationship, recognizing that genuine rapport between therapist and client is the cornerstone of effective therapy.
Rather than adhering strictly to rigid techniques or protocols, I focus on understanding the unique patterns in each patient’s life—their values, beliefs, and experiences that shape their worldview. This existential approach encourages clients to explore their own existence, confront the realities of their freedom and choices, and ultimately find purpose in their lives.
By placing philosophy at the center of the therapeutic process, I create a space where clients can engage in deep self-reflection, grapple with existential questions, and work toward living in accordance with their authentic selves. This method is less about applying specific techniques and more about guiding clients through a journey of personal discovery and growth.
Philosophy is often mistaken for the pursuit of knowledge, but true philosophy is far more profound. Philosophers do not seek definitive answers but rather better questions. The word “philosophy” comes from the Greek “philo,” meaning love, and “sophy,” meaning wisdom. It’s not just about accumulating facts; it’s about pursuing wisdom, which transcends mere knowledge. It is the love of wisdom.
Wisdom is knowledge enriched by experience and tempered with sound judgment. For the philosopher, wisdom lies in the relentless pursuit of better questions. It’s through these questions that we deepen our understanding. The sharper the question, the more precise the insight. In this way, philosophy isn’t just about finding solutions; it’s about expanding our minds and perspectives through thoughtful inquiry.
Philosophy books can be dense and complex to understand at times, but like all things in life, there is no way to skip to the end. The journey is what matters most. There are no answers in the back of the book. Therapy is the same way. There is no way to expedite the experience. Therapy takes time, process, and reflection.
Many patients come to therapy feeling lost. Whether it’s due to a significant life change, a relationship breakdown, or a sense of disconnection, the common thread is often a profound feeling of uncertainty. They arrive with a sense that something is missing but without a clear understanding of what that something is. This feeling of being lost can manifest as anxiety, depression, or a general sense of unease—life feels off, but the way forward is unclear.
This is when I ask, “How will you know when therapy is done?” It’s a question that speaks to the core of the therapeutic journey. Often, patients expect that therapy will end when they have found the answers they are looking for and when the problems that brought them in have been neatly resolved. But the reality is more nuanced. Therapy isn’t just about finding answers; it’s about gaining the tools to navigate life’s uncertainties and to move from feeling lost to feeling grounded and purposeful.
Asking what the journey looks like at the end builds a frame of reference for our time together. If you are lost in the woods, you have no idea which way to go, but you have something of a goal: to get out of the woods. This is as good a starting place as any. If we know the goal, we can work backward to where we are. Which brings us to the last question I ask in the first session: “Where are you now?”
You Are Here
I love shopping malls. Not for the reason you think, though. I do enjoy shopping every once in a while, but really, I love the kiosk. That big map right when you walk in detailing every store and every eatery. I look at the kiosk, and for a short moment, I know exactly where I am. This big red dot just staring back at me: “You Are Here.” I know it seems a little silly, but there are so few moments in life when we really know exactly where we are.
Our goal in the first few sessions is to establish a baseline. To get a real sense of where you are. While there is a question about your physical location, it is also a powerful question when seeking to understand your current state of being. Where are you emotionally? Where are you in your relationships, your career, and your sense of self? Understanding your current position is how we begin to chart a course forward. Therapy is done not when every problem is solved but when you feel equipped to face whatever comes next with clarity and authenticity.
By focusing on where you are, we start to uncover the patterns, beliefs, and experiences that have led you to this point. We explore not just the symptoms that brought you into therapy but the deeper questions that give rise to those symptoms. In doing so, therapy becomes less about fixing something broken and more about discovering and embracing your authentic self. This self-awareness is the compass that will guide you long after you have made it out of the woods.
Outside of a bright red dot screaming, You are Here, how exactly do we know where we are? Well, as it turns out, it's not much different than the mall kiosk. The kiosk only gives us a map. It tells us where we are in relation to other stores and locations in the mall. I have a nice red dot to tell me where I am, but if I want to understand what it means, I can easily look around and find various markers. The Foot Locker is over there, and there is a salad place to the left, with the movie theater in front of me. I know I am here, and now I have an idea of what here means.
In the same way you reference the mall map to find your way around, we can identify markers and reference points that define our current state of being. These markers might be your relationships, your career, your passions, or the challenges you're currently facing. They can also include the broader context of your life—your age, your health, your social connections, and your environment. These are the waypoints that allow you to understand your position and help you determine the path forward.
This question of "Where am I?" helps us understand how we relate to everything around us. It’s about recognizing where we stand in relation to our goals, our values, and the people who matter to us. It’s about seeing the terrain of our life—what’s behind us, what’s ahead, and what’s surrounding us right now. Only by understanding where we are can we begin to move in the direction of growth and fulfillment.
The question of where is central to our journey. It’s the starting point from which we can navigate life’s challenges and opportunities. Without understanding where we are, we can’t plot a course toward where we want to go. It’s like being in a mall and looking at the directory—you need that red dot that says ‘You Are Here’ before you can figure out which direction to head in. This understanding allows us to move forward with intention and purpose rather than simply reacting to the world around us.
By focusing on our current location, we gain clarity about our circumstances and our options. We begin to see the connections between where we are now and where we’ve been, and this perspective allows us to make informed decisions about where to go next. The journey of self-discovery and personal growth begins with this simple yet profound question: Where am I? And from there, we can start to map out the path ahead, step by step, waypoint by waypoint, with a renewed sense of direction and purpose.
Brain
Brian walked into my office with the weight of the world on his shoulders. His posture was slouched, his eyes downcast, and it was clear that he was carrying more than just the usual burdens of a 19-year-old. His mother had described him as depressed when she called, but as I began to talk with Brian, I realized that his depression ran deeper than even she might have understood.
Brian had always been introverted, the type of person who internalized everything—his thoughts, his feelings, his fears. Over time, this tendency to turn inward had only intensified, especially after the recent breakup with his girlfriend. The relationship had been more than just a connection for Brian; it had become his anchor, his defining point of reference. When it ended, Brian was left adrift, unsure of who he was or where he belonged.
“She ended it so suddenly,” he said, tears filling his eyes during our first session. His pain was palpable and raw, and I could almost feel it as if it were my own. The breakup had shattered what little sense of self Brian had, leaving him in a state of deep despair. “I don’t know what to do,” he confessed. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
As we continued to explore his feelings, it became increasingly clear that Brian had never really had a strong sense of identity. His life had always been defined by those around him—his family, his friends, and, most recently, his ex-girlfriend. Without them, he felt completely lost, as though he no longer existed in any meaningful way.
The next few sessions were challenging. Brian often seemed overwhelmed by the task of finding himself, as if the enormity of the journey might swallow him whole. There were moments when I worried that he might give up entirely, lost in the depths of his own despair. But we kept going, searching for a way forward.
Then, one day, I asked Brian a simple question: “Where are you?”
He looked at me, confused, unsure of what I meant. I explained that I wanted him to think of his life as a map, much like the ones you find at a mall. “You know how there’s always that red dot that says ‘You Are Here’?” I asked. “Let’s figure out where your red dot is.”
This idea seemed to resonate with Brian, and we began the process of mapping out his life. Instead of stores and restaurants, Brian’s map was filled with relationships, interests, and experiences. His red dot was situated somewhere between his parents’ house and the community college he attended. Around it, we marked his love for philosophy, astronomy, and music—interests that had always been significant to him but had been overshadowed by his recent struggles.
As we continued to work on this map, something shifted in Brian. He began to see his life from a new perspective, one that wasn’t defined by his past or his relationship but by the things that truly mattered to him. He realized that he wasn’t just drifting aimlessly; he was somewhere specific, surrounded by people and passions that gave his life meaning. This newfound sense of orientation became a starting point from which he could begin to navigate his way forward.
Over time, Brian’s map grew more detailed. He started setting goals—graduating from college, pursuing graduate studies, finding his own apartment, and building relationships with people who shared his interests. The process of creating this map helped him to visualize a future that was his own, not defined by others but by what he wanted and valued.
As we continued our sessions, I noticed a change in Brian. The heaviness that had once weighed him down began to lift. He became more engaged with the world around him, rediscovering joy in the things he once loved. The simple act of mapping out his life had given him the tools to reclaim his identity and find a renewed sense of purpose.
By the end of our time together, Brian’s journey had transformed from one of despair to one of gradual self-discovery. By understanding where he was—both physically and emotionally—he was able to set a course for where he wanted to go. The red dot on his map became more than just a point of reference; it was a symbol of his progress, a reminder that even in the darkest moments, he had the ability to find his way.
For Brian, the pain of living outweighed his fear of death. He felt overwhelmed by his emotions. Suicided seemed a welcomed choice for him as he saw no way out, no way forward. Asking “Where Am I,” allowed him to develop an anchor, a starting point, and a frame of reference. By developing a map and finding his location, he was able to begin the long journey home. He created his own compass, which allowed him to navigate through the woods. When dawn broke, for the first time in Brian’s life, he could see hope for something greater.
Summary
Brian’s journey powerfully illustrates how therapy can transform a profound sense of loss into a path toward self-discovery and growth. When Brian first arrived, he was consumed by despair, his identity shattered by the sudden end of a relationship that had defined his life. He felt adrift, overwhelmed by emotions that seemed insurmountable.
Through the therapeutic process, Brian was introduced to the concept of the “identity map.” This simple yet effective tool helped him begin to understand where he was—not just physically but emotionally and relationally. By mapping out his life, Brian could see the connections that mattered most, and for the first time, he found a sense of orientation amidst the chaos.
As Brian’s map took shape, so did his sense of self. He began to set goals that reflected his true values and interests, and with each session, the weight of his depression started to lift. What once felt like an endless darkness began to clear, revealing a path forward. The red dot on his map was no longer just a marker of where he was—it became a symbol of his progress, a reminder that even in his darkest moments, there is always a way out.
As you reflect on Brian’s story, consider where you are on your journey. What does your map look like? Where is your red dot? By answering these questions, you can begin to chart your own course, step by step, toward a future that is not just about surviving but thriving.
I hope you have enjoyed these thoughts for your self-examination. See you next week.
-CT
PS. Check out the podcast if you like to listen.
Family Photo of the Week | Book/Movie/Song I’m Vibing |
Below you will find groups, projects, organizations, programs, and cabins I am passionate about and involved in. I hope it doesn’t come off as shameless self-promotion. All the same, they are important to me so I thought I would share. Feel free to skip them if you like.
Feeling Generous?
Counseling for the Future Foundation and Grant Halliburton Foundation are two amazing non-profits doing some great work in the field of Mental Health. You can help make a difference by giving your time, empathy, and financial support. Learn more by clicking the logos below.
Check out our latest mental health post on the TCG blog, and learn more about the Empifany app, the Titus Check-In System, and our newly developed Independently Strong course.
A mental health app unlike any other. Get Empifany today and start your mental health journey. | Looking to make it easier for your clients to check in? Titus has you covered. Download the system today. |
The Independently Strong course is designed specifically for spouses or partners who have experienced trauma or abuse within relationships with individuals struggling with substance use disorder. Covering topics such as trauma bonds, identifying characteristics of healthy relationships, understanding the impacts of unhealthy dynamics, boosting self-esteem to align decisions with personal values, establishing boundaries, engaging in self-awareness exercises, and delving into various other crucial aspects, this comprehensive program offers essential guidance and support for healing and empowerment. Learn more about the course here.
Need a Break?
We love going to Broken Bow. It has been a special place for me for a long time and it has been a dream to share this beautiful place with my kids. If you are interested in treating yourself to some relaxing away time up in the pines of Broken Bow feel free to book one of our cabins. There is no greater retreat than the woods.
Okay! That’s all I got. Feel free to send me an email. Anything I can do for you?
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