I am a Creep. I‘m a weirdo. If you are a Radiohead fan you know what I’m talking about here. I’m not just quoting a song though. I am a weirdo, to be sure.

Have you heard the song? If not check it out here: Creep, by Radiohead. The song has been hitting me hard lately. On my mind a lot. Do you ever get a movie or song stuck in your head? Something you can’t escape for some unknown reason?

It started by random, as most things do. The song popped into my Apple Music playlist a few weeks ago. And now it’s running in the background of my mind, non-stop. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to understand the lyrics. What Creep is really about. It’s odd. The song starts with this worship of a woman. An Angel, her skin makes him cry. She is perfect. Then progresses into how weird the singer is. Then he runs - telling us he doesn’t belong here.

I don’t get it. A song this powerful ain’t about Helen of Troy. So I did some googling aka “research.” As it turns out, there are a lot of thoughts about this song out there. I’m no music expert so I will refrain from judgment on good/bad/great.

According to several random internet sources, the song was written by Thom Yorke while he was in school. Apparently, he liked a specific girl and followed her around campus a bit. Hold your judgment. I don’t think he was stalking her. From what I can tell he liked her and just couldn’t find the courage to introduce himself (teenage me feels this). It’s hard, you know, being vulnerable. Sharing our feelings with others. Being open. Putting yourself out there. How often are you really vulnerable with the people in your life?

Clearly, his inspiration for the song is this girl. But it goes deeper than that. It’s not about a boy who likes a girl and can’t find the words. He calls himself a creep, a weirdo. He asks if he belongs here. That’s the part that pulls me in. That BIG existential question. Do we belong here?

Always a Weirdo

For me, I have always felt like a weirdo. As far back as I can remember. I never really seemed to fit in just right. I’ve heard it all my life - you’re not like most counselors I’ve met, I had no idea you went to seminary, wow - really - you were in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M. Granted, I have always done things my own way. In college, I ran into the Commandant of the Corps of Cadets one evening. He looked at me and said, “Ah Cadet Taylor, you’ve always beat to your own drum.” I just looked at him dumbfounded, I was shocked he even knew my name.

I survived middle school well enough. I think that’s when the weirdness really started. I am a huge nerd. Magic the Gathering, D&D, Sci-Fi, Comicon, you name it, I’m into it. (just started playing the new Disney’s Lorcanan card game with Ella and Henry. They are loving it!) I wanted to hang out with the other nerds in middle school but I didn’t fit for some reason. I tried out for the football team in the eighth grade. I got made fun of a lot by the other football guys. Then I got cut from the team. One of two guys in the entire school that got cut. How do you get cut from middle school football?! That was the first time I thought about suicide.

Then high school. Yikes! I bearly made it out alive. Between girls, clubs, teams, ROTC, job, and colleague applications I never fit in. I dealt with most of my feelings with food, gained some weight (okay, a lot of weight), struggled with depression, and thought about suicide again. I just didn’t fit in anywhere. Do I belong here?

College, seminary, doctoral program, early adult life, always struggling to fit in, always asking that question, do I belong here? Always a weirdo. I kept going though, gained more weight, tried to stay positive, and worked on myself some, life went up and down for a while. Thoughts of suicide faded some. I learned to accept my weirdness a little. And then, something happened…

A Weirdo for Life

One day I met someone whose weirdness mirrored my own. Maggie and I got married in Paris in the summer of 2015. Our wedding was out of a fairytale. Beautiful and perfect, much like my wife. It was a small affair, no more than 30 people in total - as it turns out we both don’t like large groups. The ceremony was on a balcony overlooking a garden in a private chateau in the heart of Paris. A dear friend of mine (one of few) officiated our wedding. Here is the quote we read aloud:

So yea. I think being weird has worked out for me pretty well. I’ve got two kids now and a pretty nice life. I think being weird is a good thing, a normal thing. Aren’t we all a little weird? Are you a weirdo?

I Don’t Belong Here

Thom never directly asks the question, do I belong here? He states “I don’t belong here” and he asks “What the hell am I doing here?” My heart breaks every time I listen to his words. I don’t belong here. Such a heavy statement. It hit me hardest about a year ago.

Danielle Pondure shall forever be my hero. I was fortunate enough to watch her live at a Grant Halliburton Foundation event. Her last song was a Radiohead cover, Creep. I have, to this day, never experienced something so hauntingly beautiful in my life. Watch her performance here:

Ponder takes this song to new depths for me. Directly asking that so powerful question: Do I belong here? That’s the core of it. That’s the core for all of us. We all just want to know we belong. No matter where we are in life, deep down, we just want someone to reach out, share their warmth, and remind us that we do, in fact, belong here.

Do you belong here?

I hope you’ve enjoyed these thoughts for your self-examination. See you next week.

-CT

PS. Check out the podcast if you like to listen.